Dealing With Resentment in Blended Families

Child Custody Questions? Ask Arlene

by Arlene Margolis-Devermont

While we all go into marriage with the best intentions, the sad fact is that divorce rates remain high in our country. However, many families are dealing with divorce, remarriage and joint custody in positive, healthy ways. Children are usually their parent's chief concern during times of transition, and Arlene Margolis-Devermont is here to help.

Q. I have 4 children between the ages of 11 and 5; my second husband has 2 children, a girl age 11 and a boy age 15. We have full custody of all the children. We have been together 2 years and the oldest of my husband's kids is very resentful of our new relationship and the blending of these 2 families. Is there anything we can do to help lessen his resentment?

Q. First of all, the fact that the child having the most problems is 15 years old is not coincidental. Adolescence is very difficult under the best of circumstance and I am sure you would agree these are not that. Given his age and his resentment I would try my very best to make sure he has his own room if at all possible. Some of his resentment probably comes from decreased time devoted to him by his father. In order to alleviate this issue I would make certain that you set aside time, at LEAST once a week where he and his father can spend time together just the 2 of them. I understand that this will be incredibly difficult as during this time you will have 5 kids to take care of yourself. And, it may not sound fair to everyone else, but this child needs this time. He is older than the rest of the kids and must feel isolated when you're together as a family. I say that not only because of his age difference but also because of his resentment.

Although this time may be incredibly difficult for all of you, remember the old parenting adage, PAY NOW OR PAY LATER. Ultimately things will work out better long term for all of you if you meet each child's needs as they arise. The kids didn't put themselves into this step situation and it is up to you, the parents, to make it work for each child.