Divorced Parents Disagreeing on Discipline Terms

Child Custody Questions? Ask Arlene

by Arlene Margolis-Devermont

While we all go into marriage with the best intentions, the sad fact is that divorce rates remain high in our country. However, many families are dealing with divorce, remarriage and joint custody in positive, healthy ways. Children are usually their parent's chief concern during times of transition, and Arlene Margolis-Devermont is here to help.

If you'd like to Ask Arlene your questions on raising kids in blended or divorced families email her at askarlene@familymagazinegroup.com.

Q. When my ex and I first had children we agreed that they would not be allowed to play with violent toys such as toy guns. I admit that this idea was more mine than my husband's. Now that we're divorced, he has allowed our son to play with violent toys at his home. I have tried to talk him out of this and reminded him of our previous agreement. My ex's response is that he doesn't agree with me and only went along with it because we were married. I am so upset. When my son is with me he turns everything he can into a play gun since I won't buy those toys. How can I get my ex to go back to his original agreement?

A. I don't know how to tell you this but you probably can't change your ex's mind. I am certain that when he told you he only went along with that idea because you were married, it was the truth. Now that you're divorced, he feels he is free to do things his way in his home, and he is. You may continue to try and get him to go back to your original agreement, but I doubt that you'll be successful. Regardless, do not tell your child that his father is wrong for letting him play with these types of toys. This will only serve to undermine his respect for his father and ultimately be hurtful to your child. You may explain that you don't have these types of toys because you don't believe them to be beneficial. Present this to your child as an opinion that his father differs on. On a personal level, I'd like you to know that I felt the same as you until the day my son turned his peanut butter and jelly sandwich into a gun. He has currently graduated law school and, in spite of my giving up on the toy gun ban, he has not hurt anyone. Sometimes, I guess we mothers may overreact.

Have a concern of your own? To ask Arlene, email her at askarlene@familymagazinegroup.com