Joint Custody Issue: New House, New Rules

Child Custody Questions? Ask Arlene

by Arlene Margolis-Devermont

While we all go into marriage with the best intentions, the sad fact is that divorce rates remain high in our country. However, many families are dealing with divorce, remarriage and joint custody in positive, healthy ways. Children are usually their parent's chief concern during times of transition, and Arlene Margolis-Devermont is here to help.

If you'd like to Ask Arlene your questions on raising kids in blended or divorced families email her at askarlene@familymagazinegroup.com.

Q. My husband and I have 2 small children. He has a 9 and 13 year old from a previous marriage. Things have always been a little difficult with his older children going back and forth between our home and their mother's house. Different rules and different expectations in each home result in many difficulties, especially now that the children are getting older. I don't know how to handle the problems that this joint custody situation causes. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can deal with these problems?

A. I must say I am quite pleased with the wording of your question. You state the problem accurately in that it is you as well as your husband who have to learn to deal with the problems that joint custodial situations bring. This is not a problem the children have to face, but one left to the adults to handle. It is always difficult when children live in two homes where the rules and expectations are different. That is something that all joint custodial families have to deal with. It is unlikely that the rules would be the same in both houses. If your husband and his ex were that alike in how they saw things they probably would not have divorced. As a result, it is common that things are dealt with differently in the different homes.

My advice to families is that they be consistent with the rules they have in their home. Do not alter these rules for the children who are only there part time and do not treat those same children with any less love and attention. Children learn very early to discriminate how they are to behave in different environments and that includes different homes they live in. As long as you are fair, consistent and loving, the children will learn and accept what is expected of them in your home even if those expectations may differ in their mother's home. It is important for you to point out why you have the rules and expectations you have without criticizing their mother's way of doing things. It is enough to keep reminding the children that your rules are what work best in your home. With consistency in their lives, they will get it. Love, fairness and a lot of tolerance will go along way to help all of you.