Dealing With Boy Crazy Girls

by Charlene C. Giannetti

I was standing outside my daughter's school one recent morning when the mother of a fifth grader stopped to congratulate me on my new book, "Boy Crazy! Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head Is in the Clouds". "It sounds very interesting," she enthused, but quickly added, "of course, my daughter is not boy crazy." However, as we began to walk, she confessed that her daughter now had photos of rock stars, tween actors, and hockey players wallpapering her room. I explained to her that worshiping from afar is how young girls first dip their toes into the romantic pool. While her daughter was not yet ready to dive in head first, she was certainly ready to hear her mother talk about love and relationships. When we parted, she promised to buy the book she now understood she needed.

Too many mothers and fathers discount their daughter's romantic development. Some, like the mother I encountered, think their daughters are too young. Others panic with each headline trumpeting adolescent promiscuity and restrict their talks to warnings about sexual experimentation. Those discussions are important, but unfortunately, the conversations that need to happen--what it takes to hold a relationship together, how a girl should expect to be treated by a boy, why a broken heart isn't the end of the world--never take place. What fills this void? Advice from peers, some of it well-meaning, but much of it naive, maybe even dangerous, and examples set by stars and models who dominate magazine covers.

At one of our talks, one father said, "I'd like to lock my daughter up until she's twenty-one." We all hope to keep our daughters safe, but locking them up in an ivory tower is not the answer. A better approach is to help them understand the complexities of relationships. You've heard of emotional intelligence, being able to not only recognize feelings in yourself and others, but to manage those emotions. Our concept of romantic intelligence takes a child to a place where emotions intersect with romantic attraction and actions. Romantic intelligence entails gaining insights, developing skills, seeing options, and heeding warning signs. Such knowledge will help young adolescent girls understand their feelings and desires.

How do you get started on this journey with your daughter?

Remember the way you were. Admit it. There was a time when you were boy crazy (or girl crazy). You traveled the same road now before your daughter. Think back to those times. Reviving those feelings will help you relate to what she is feeling now.

Learn the stages of love. While a young adolescent girl may appear to become boy crazy overnight, the changes are slower than that. There's a timetable for her development. Knowing what's happening when and why can help a parent understand and advise.

Don't discount her crushes. During young adolescence, feelings intensify. Unrequited love can be particularly painful. Listen to your daughter's laments without being judgmental. While you know that true love rarely happens at thirteen, she hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Watch a movie. Love themes dominate the movies and provide a good vehicle for jump-starting discussions on romance and love. Some are old (Casablanca), some are newer (Win a Date with Tad Hamilton), but all can be used to learn about romance.

Know when to intervene. Your daughter comes home from that middle school dance, and you can't wait to hear how it went. Hold back. If she danced with the boy of her dreams, she may want to savor the feeling alone in her room. If she played the role of the proverbial wallflower, she may prefer to suffer in silence. At some point, she will be ready to share with you. Give her some space.

Take her on a date. A father is the first man in a daughter's life. She will use him as the boilerplate against which to compare and contrast every other boy she meets. Set a high standard. Treat the women in your life the way you hope your daughter will be treated by the men in hers. Take her on a date to show her what she should expect of the boys she goes out with. That behavior will become the norm so that when she is with someone whose behavior is poor, the effect will be jarring.

Learn about romance online. Young adolescents and the Internet are inseparable. It's no surprise then that many middle school romances play out in cyberspace. Cell phones will also come into play, with young people "texting" their love missives back and forth. While you shouldn't spend your time leaning over your daughter's shoulder reading all her e-mails, make sure she knows about how to stay safe online and to never give out personal information to those she doesn't know. And she should understand that anything she sends out online (a confession about a crush) could be resent to hundreds of others.

Let's face it. The culture our daughters face today is edgier than anything we experienced as tweens. Yet you and your daughter have the same goal. You both want her to blossom into a warm and loving young woman capable of a satisfying romantic life. Ultimately, she will make that journey on her own. But there is much you can do to equip her for the path ahead.