Guiding Sons Through Puberty

The Making Of A Young Man

by Gina Roberts-Grey

As she was cleaning her bathroom, Laura Pease of Rio Rancho, NM, was struck by the magazine that sat atop the basket on the counter. Mentally noting that this was the second time in less than a week that the dog-eared copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition graced the top of the pile, she straightened the group of magazines and went on with her day. "It was funny because my husband rarely uses that powder room. For an instant I did wonder if my son was the one digging through the magazines to find this back issue, but then I thought that'd be silly, he's only nine," says Pease.

As she recalls this incident, Laura explains how naive she now realizes she was. "It's ridiculous to think that my son wouldn't have been interested in looking at something like that. It's just as hard to imagine that he was, since unlike how his father sees him, I'll always think of my son as being my baby," she candidly adds. Wondering if she should talk to her son, hide the magazine, or ignore the situation left Laura feeling confused and full of questions. Determining that since the incident was not harmful or dangerous, Pease chose to put off addressing the situation with her son.

The Pease's circumstances are quite typical of today's family. Not knowing if or how to address the physical and emotional changes experienced by a son can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable. "Because of the difference in gender and the perception that their child is a 'little boy' this is often especially tough for mothers," explains Brian Malinowski MS, LMFT.

Time for celebration- or silence?

When they realized their son was entering puberty, Cheryl and Daniel Hines of Seaford, DE made plans for a celebration. "This was a big step. We wanted him to know that this was a natural phase of his life," explains Cheryl. Says her husband Dan, "I took a day off of work and we kept our son home from school. He and I went out for the day to discuss the physical and emotional changes." Surprisingly, their almost-twelve-year-old son was very comfortable talking with either parent about his feelings and questions. "We believe he adopted our openness and acceptance of puberty. Facing it head on instead of treating it like it was taboo gave him the support he needed," adds Cheryl.

Debra Robertson of Algonquin, Illinois plans on a completely different approach to her son's maturation process. "I can't even begin to imagine that phase! His father is going to have to have 'those talks' and handle this stage," the mom of two daughters and a son openly admits. Fears of embarrassing herself or her son, not being able to relate to or answer some of his questions and concerns, and her own uncomfortable feelings regarding some of the physical changes her son will experience have prompted Robertson to excuse herself from actively participating in this area of her son's life.

One major difference between boys and girls is the way they cope with and express their feelings toward changing and maturing. Daughters feel more comfortable to channel their emotions through uncontrollable tears, tirades and tantrums. Our sons are struggling to discover and then understand who they're becoming all while keeping it a secret.

Helping them over the threshold:

Finding an approach both you and your son are comfortable with is essential to helping everyone through this passage of life. Whether you're able to openly address the issue in a series of ongoing conversations, or need the subtly that sharing a journal together offers, letting your son know that he's not alone on his quest to becoming a man is vital. Experts like Malinowski suggest parents begin by examining how willing their son appears to be to addressing his pubescent experiences.

"Some children will come to you the instant they notice a change and others will go through great pains to preserve the secrecy of their changes. The key is understanding how your child operates and communicates," says Malinowski.

If your child is generally open and willing to communicate, taking a trip to the bookstore or library together opens the door to accurate and age appropriate information for both of you. Revisiting the fears, confusion and concerns of your own pubescent experiences can also lend clarity and support for you to draw on as you help guide your son through his experiences and circumstances.

Regardless of how to elect to provide support, nurturing and guidance, experts agree that sons in transition need patience while on their journey towards becoming a young man. By keeping a focus on the fact that however old your son is he still needs your active, loving participation in his life, you'll ensure you all make it through this phase of your lives.