Ask The Marriage Coach

by Susan Allan

When you said, "I do," you meant it; yet how did "I don't" begin to appear? Perhaps you have a spouse who thinks about his or her own needs without giving equal consideration to your priorities. Or, have you slipped into that approach yourself? If you've concentrated on your partner's needs instead of your own, you're probably feeling disappointed, or if you've been focused on yourself, your spouse will feel resentful. "You or me" isn't unconditional love which develops when your needs are as important to you as your partner's. With Marital Mediation you generate affection and learn How to Avoid Divorce.

Dear Susan,

My wife and I separated last year even though we really love each other. It's just that we can't seem to agree about a few small issues like money, parenting, or sex. But we still talk ALL the time. Is there some way for us to get back together?

Sincerely,

Bob, Studio City, CA

Dear Bob,

When you fell in love, it appeared that your needs would be met forever. Eventually, you probably began to feel disappointed when you weren't generating the affection, cooperation and peace that each of you wanted. Reconciliation begins with learning new skills so that either you or your wife can calm yourself down before speaking to one another so that one of you listens and speaks with more compassion to pave the way to affection. Communicating regularly is encouraging but you will want to learn to co-create peaceful strategies for parenting, romance, and financial security. When you are calm and listen to your wife's needs and write them down and consider them, you will be able to call her back and discuss them without defensiveness, anger, judgment or stonewalling, the most common causes for conversations that lead to separation.

Sincerely yours,

Susan Allan, Ask The Marriage Coach

Dear Susan,

My husband is driving me crazy with his flirtatious behavior. Every time we go out, even when we go to our son's soccer games, he's chatting with all the other Moms and leaves me sitting alone. If I fight with him about it, he only gets worse the next time. What can I do?

Maria, Encino, CA

Dear Maria,

I can imagine how angry you feel that your husband doesn't spend Family Time as part of the family. You may also feel concerned that he will move beyond flirting and conversation. When you practice Self-empathy without judging him as the problem, you will speak calmly and begin to transform this issue. When you listen and don't hear his words as judging you, but hear his concerns you can listen empathetically and become the wife who co-creates solutions. Whether it is his need for fun, humor, endorphins or just the enhanced self-respect he may feel when women flirt back, a solution can be found and you set the pace for his support of your priorities, too.

Sincerely yours,

Susan Allan Ask The Marriage Coach

Named by Fox News and others as America's leading Marriage and Divorce Coach, Susan Allan, a certified mediator and creator of Marital Mediation©, is the author of Divorce, the Marry-Go-Round, or How to Save your Money, Your Sanity and Your Life and 101 Divorce Secrets, A Survival Guide. For answers to your questions and for a one-hour free, private telephone coaching session, contact susanallan@familymagazinegroup.com. Remember, with "With Marital Mediation© you generate affection and learn How to Avoid Divorce©."