Bully Prevention 101

by Dr. Agodi Alagbe

Recently I asked my six year old first grade son if he knew what a bully was and he responded, "Bullies are people who beat up on other people." I would say that was right on the mark. I asked him if there were any bullies in his school and he said no. That was quite a relief to hear considering how common the problem of bullying is in schools. Bullying is a problem that greatly impacts the learning environment of our children. Reports show that as many as 30% of students in 6th-10th grade are involved in moderate or frequent bullying as victims, bullies or both. Other studies show that bullying can lead to other forms of violence on the part of the bullies and victims alike. It is important to be aware of what is going on in the lives of our children in order to prevent problems before they grow into bigger problems.

In the same conversation, I asked my child what he would do if he was being bullied or knew of someone who was being bullied. He said he would tell the bully to stop and then tell the teacher (right answer). I then reminded him that he should tell me, too. Of course, this works much better in theory than practice, and a first grader is more likely to tell than a sixth grader. Most (older) victims of bullies are afraid to tell for various reasons such as fear of further bullying, fear of not being believed by the adults/ authorities, lack of trust in the system to protect him/her, fear of being seen as a coward or a tattle teller, etc. We need to encourage victims of bullies to take proactive steps to stop the bullying.

Parents can be advocates for children by helping them deal with school bullies. It is important to communicate that bullying is not okay and should not be tolerated. Depending on the severity of the case, you may choose an indirect approach where you give your child strategies to deal with the bully on their own. Such strategies would include assertively asking the bully to stop or telling the teacher or other school authorities. Another strategy for students is to avoid being isolated from other kids (isolated kids are easier targets for bullies).

It is important to understand that the first step in solving a problem is to acknowledge the problem. It is the victim's feelings, not the bully's intentions, that determine whether bullying has occurred or not. It takes courage to report a bully, so if a child reports a case, take it seriously and investigate. There are cases where well meaning adults and authorities preach to turn the other cheek and this leads the victim to frustration levels that may result in extreme acts of self defense and violence that could have been prevented by earlier intervention. If your child is the bully, it is important to find out why they are. Oftentimes, bullies are victims themselves of similar or other kinds of abuse and they are just as needy of the right kinds of interventions as their victims.

As simplistic as this may sound, I still think the best prevention is to get to know your child's business. By any means, find out what's on their minds. Whether your child is involved as the bully, the victim or even just a witness, he/she is negatively impacted by the problem. Children do best in school when they feel safe and secure. Let us all help maintain a safe and healthy school environment for our children.

If you'd like to share your own stories with Dr. Alagbe, please email her at agodialagbe@familymagazinegroup.com.