Finding Ways To Share Ethnic Differences in Multi-Racial Families

Multiple Backgrounds, Multiple Blessings!

by Brette McWhorter Sember

Over 6.8 million Americans identified themselves as multiracial in the 2000 census. Even more come from multiethnic backgrounds. All of this means that multicultural families are growing in record numbers. Raising multiracial or multiethnic children in today's world is easier than ever before, but there are still many challenges involved.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest problems faced by multiracial families is prejudice. Raising a multiracial child means that you have to learn how to deal with negative reactions you may encounter from ignorant or prejudiced people.

Joyce Anthony, a mom in Erie, Pennsylvania, experienced her share of prejudice as she and her husband raised their multiracial child. "Most people will give you a disapproving look or move away from you, but not say anything outright. There are those who do make rather rude remarks to the person they are with, but make sure they are loud enough so you hear. "

Anthony has found her best defense is to ignore the rudeness. Sometimes she has been unable to hold herself back, though. She recommends that if parents must comment, that they "keep your answers short, to the point and refuse to argue."

Shelly Melville, author of A Family Full of Love, a picture book about transracial adoptions, takes another approach. She and her husband adopted a child of a different race and she tries to have comebacks for comments at the ready. "I have found the most important thing is not to become defensive. Being defensive often exacerbates whatever prejudices already exist. It is better to have a vague but planned response, than being shocked and often coming back with a rude or sharp comment."

Dr. Daphne Stevens, a marriage and family therapist who teaches classes on multiracial families at Mercer University School of Medicine in Macon, Georgia, weighs in. "Families need to address prejudice openly. To turn a deaf ear gives the child the idea that he or she is at fault somehow. The caveat here is that we don't want to put our children in the middle by being overly confrontational with adults in their presence." She also recommends that after a confrontation, you talk it over with your child at home and acknowledge that some adults don't act very adult sometimes.

Unfortunately for some new parents, the most painful intolerance they encounter comes from their own families. Anthony coped with this kind of prejudice from family in a direct way. She says she believes that multiracial families must understand that, "If someone can't accept them as a family, then they need to realize they have no control over other's ideas and then get that person out of their lives and move on. True friends will accept them, not as a multiracial family, but simply as a family."

Dr. Stephens says that some flack from family is probably to be expected even if they have already learned to cope with your marriage or relationship. "The reality is that any change in a family creates anxiety. Changes that challenge the old way of doing things can really increase anxiety."

Best of Both Worlds

When you and your partner are from different racial or ethnic backgrounds, you have the opportunity to share the traditions, beliefs, stories, celebrations, and history of both families with your children. This can be a wonderful and enriching experience for all of you. Sharing parts of both backgrounds helps your child identify with both cultures and gives him or her a complete sense of family history.

Anthony taught her son "games and traditions from both cultures. I cooked meals from both cultures. Neither religion was forced upon our son. He was taught the reasons behind religious holidays like Christmas and Easter and also the reasons for Ramadan and other religious ceremonies of Islam so he could respect both. He was not discouraged in any of his attempts to follow both."

Dr. Stephens agrees that it is important to actively teach your children about your cultures and backgrounds. "All families need to honor the cultural heritage bestowed on their children by each parent. This includes educating the child about their ancestors' history, creating religious and other family traditions that incorporate the values of the parents and the ways they have embraced the traditions of their culture."

Teach Your Children Well

As your baby grows, it will be up to you to explain and set the tone for his or her own beliefs about multiracial families. "If you teach your child from day one," says Anthony, "in both words and actions, that people are people and deserve respect, he will naturally internalize this. Teach him he is just as important as the next person, but no better, and he deserves respect as well as needs to give it. This will strengthen his self-esteem enough to face any prejudice he encounters with an 'it's your problem, not mine' attitude."

Dr. Stephens points out that no matter what you do, your children will have to find a way to cope with the facts they are confronted with. "Children of bi-racial families will struggle with racial identity. It's part of their development. There will be some bumps in the road, but if they are raised by secure, loving parents, they are likely to grow up with great strength and resilience."