Helping Your Children Deal with Fear and Grief

It's Important That You are the Best Source of Information for Your Child

by Dr. Jenn Berman

In the last five years, Americans have been faced with terrorism, hurricanes, fires, and floods. Many families have had to face their own difficulties losing loved ones to illness or even death. As a result, most parents have had to face difficult conversations with their children, but many feel lost when talking about painful subjects like death and disaster.

It is important to understand that children are egocentric. In other words, children view the world in terms of their own needs and desires. In young children, this is not narcissism, but a developmentally appropriate way for them to act and react to trauma.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child in a time of crisis or personal loss is to be an honest source of information. Often, parents are uncomfortable talking about a difficult topic so they sugarcoat the information and the child isn't able to get the information she needs. While it is important to answer only what is asked without going into unnecessary detail, it is vital for you to be your child's best source of information.

Death Developmentally speaking, preschoolers aren't able to understand the permanency of death. They may ask when a deceased loved one is coming back or may become clingy or anxious. Because they tend to process grief in small doses there may even be times where they seem to forget about the loss or even seem cheerful. You may find that your child responds especially well to playing as a way to work through her feelings. This is natural and is a young child's way of processing grief.

Children look to their parents to model grief. If you are able to be honest about your feelings it will give your children the chance to do the same, helping them assimilate their grief. It is especially important that parents never tell a grieving child how they "should" feel or act (i.e. "don't be sad' or "don't cry"). This stunts the child's grieving process and makes her feel like there is something wrong with her when she does grieve.

Terrorism It is very difficult to explain to children that there is evil in the world. The most important thing to communicate to young children is that you are doing everything you can do to keep them safe and that the government is working very hard to ensure their safety. The discussion of evil is an opportunity for parents to talk about prejudice and stereotyping, as well. In times of terrorism, people tend to watch a lot of news that is often unedited and repetitive. This is not appropriate for children to see. Many children were confused by footage of the planes flying into the towers repeatedly after 9-11. As a parent, it is crucial for you to filter appropriate information to your children, not to rely on television producers to do that for you.

Natural Disasters Natural disasters force children to process information that contradicts the world they know as it relates to key issues like: the safety of their home and their parents' ability to provide care and protection. Most children are afraid that they will be separated from their family or that a family member will be injured or killed.

While you can't control natural disasters, you can help empower your family by preparing in advance. All parents should make a disaster plan and practice it with their family. It has been found that children who have tasks to do in an evacuation plan tend to feel a sense of self-empowerment and are better able to cope with the situation.