Helping Your Child Cope with Their Grandparent's Illness

by Wendy Silvers, ALSP

Up until a month ago, I was posed with a very specific challenge – caring for a 6-year-old daughter whom I adore and cherish, and also for a mother I love who had Alzheimer's. This disease ravages the brain and can eventually render people unintelligible and living in their own world. There are now millions of adult children caring for parents who have this disease and the number is predicted to go up dramatically in the future. Though there are beautiful healing opportunities that come from caring for an aging parent, it can be very difficult especially for your children who also need your love and attention.

Here are steps to help you and your child(ren) through this process:

1) Be authentic about your feelings. Don't deny them. Eg: "Mama's feeling sad because I want to help Gramma and I can't. There's something going on with her that she can't help. It's hard to be with her sometimes. But, you don't have to make me feel happy, I'm just having my feelings. I'm here for you."

2) Help them process what they're feeling. Sometimes children express feelings sideways rather than directly. Remain observant of their feelings and behaviors. Eg: "I notice you're pulling the cat's tail a lot, are you feeling frustrated? Is there something you want to talk about?" Stay open and available to listening.

3) Limit visits with the grandparent if it's too hard for the child. It can be very challenging for young ones to comprehend what's going on with their grandparents. Encourage letter writing and phone calls instead.

4) Read books about aging to your child, age appropriate. Remain open for conversation afterwards. Don't force them to talk, follow their lead. There are 2 books I recommend: "Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge" by Mem Fox and "What's wrong with Grandpa?" by Maria Shriver.

5) Implement consistent special time between yourself and your child(ren). This ensures that you remain connected. Let everything about this time be created by your child and give them your undivided, uninterrupted attention.

6) Create support for your child(ren). Keep their routines as regular as possible. Let your friends know what's going on. Arrange playdates and sleepovers at friends they enjoy being with while you get some free time for yourself.

Remember: You must take care of yourself before you can care of anyone else.

The following are additional steps to help you with your parent:

1) Get a thorough medical assessment of your parent's condition as early as possible. Do not deny what you suspect is happening. A diagnosis provides necessary information you need to make vital decisions regarding your parent's care. This may take creativity on your part, as some parents, like my mother, may refuse to go for an assessment.

2) Get into a support group. Make sure you have outlets to express your feelings. For example, UCLA Center on Aging and the City of Santa Monica offer a Senior Resource Directory, which is quite informative.

3) Talk to financial counselors. Find out everything that is needed to support your parent and yourself through a time that can be very costly on all levels, especially financially. Make sure that it is someone you can trust to give you unbiased information.

4) Read material on Dementia/Alzheimer's. Be informed and educated. It is essential when you deal with your parent and the medical professionals. 2 books I recommend are: "The 36-Hour Day," and "Alzheimer's A-Z." They can both be found on Amazon.

5) Research senior communities/facilities. Observe interactions between staff and residents when they are unaware they're being watched. Do not be afraid to ask questions or show up unannounced. (When you visit a facility, think of your parent and their needs rather than whether this place would work for you.)

6) Be prepared for resistance from your parent. While some parents transition smoothly into a new lifestyle, many balk at any changes. Don't let this deter you from doing what is best for your parent's well being.

7) Take care of yourself. You can't give from an empty well. Breathe – slowly - a lot. Take yoga, long walks. Go to funny movies.

8) Don't take anything personally. Your parent may say outrageous and hurtful things – remember that it's their disease talking. Do your best to stay neutral and loving.

Wendy Silvers is a Mom, a wife, a Parenting Coach and an Agape licensed Spiritual Practitioner. Wendy facilitates The Secrets of Parenting Workshops and speaks about conscious parenting throughout Los Angeles. She counsels individuals, couples and families in her private practice on embracing themselves and their children with greater love and reverence. She may be reached at wendysilvers@familymagazinegroup.com.