How to Discipline Your Children

How to Work as a Team to Raise Your Children

by Lisa Dunning

I have come across many couples arguing over how to discipline their child. One spouse may be "too strict" while the other may be "too lenient". Below are key techniques on how to effectively discipline your child together.

Define The Goal Of Your Consequence:

This sounds complicated, but the answer to disciplining together is to first define the goal of your consequence. In other words, what behavior do you wish to extinguish and what outcome do you wish to promote. Hopefully, you and your partner agree that the choice your child made was inappropriate. When you discuss an appropriate consequence with your partner and present your case, make sure you remain calm yet firm. Should you feel your stress level increasing, take a 10-minute break and come back to the conversation when you feel you can continue at a reasonably calm level. The goal is to have your partner listen to you and understand your point of view. Once you present your side, it is time for you to listen to your partner. Remember that if you want to be heard, then you need to listen to your partner. If you still cannot agree, then explain to your partner that you understand their points but still feel your child needs to be disciplined, or not disciplined, for their actions.

It is acceptable to disagree passionately but it is unacceptable to yell and berate each other. I understand this is easier said than done, but necessary for the well being of your child. It is important for you and your partner to use appropriate communication skills to set a good example for your child. If you want your child to listen and be respectful to you and others, then you and your partner need to find a way to listen and be respectful to each other especially when you disagree.

Implement The Consequence:

For your child to learn from their mistakes, the consequence needs to fit the "crime". If the consequence is too severe or does not relate to the inappropriate action, the child will feel resentment toward you and your partner. Your child will become angry and hostile when they look at what they are missing while on restriction, creating a perception in their mind that you are being unfair and are out to get them. They will begin to feel betrayed by you and will begin to distance themselves from you. Instead of learning from their mistakes, they will only learn to be more secretive and not come to you when they are in need. When the punishment is too severe they will lose sight of why they were disciplined and only see you acting as an irrational parent. Your child may also develop a fear of you. Having your child fear you is not a desired outcome. If your child fears you and your partner, they will not come to you when faced with peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.

Implementing The Consequences Together:

Behind closed doors, you can both decide on an appropriate consequence. This is where you work as a team. Remember, it is okay to disagree. If you feel your partner is too severe or too lenient, discuss the concerns you have with that discipline method. In the heat of an argument, it is easy to lose track of the issue. If you lose track of the issue, go back to what behavior you want to extinguish and how that particular consequence will help to extinguish the negative behavior.

Never Let The Child See You Split:

No matter how well you and your partner parent together, you will not always agree on the choice of consequence. When you agree to implement a consequence, do not undermine your partner by allowing your child to escape their consequence when your partner is not around. If you believe the consequence is inappropriate, then discuss it in a place where your child is not present. When you are discussing the point of contention, remember to attack the point and not each other. Raising a child together is difficult and stressful. It is important to remember that you and your partner are a team and need to support and encourage each other in order to achieve your goal, which is to raise a happy and successful child.