Is it Okay For Parents to Have Favorites?

Having Different Feelings For Different Children is Natural

by Kelly Moore

It's the age-old sibling debate - "You're the favorite!" "No you're the favorite!" Inevitably following is the parental intervention, "We don't have a favorite." But, is that always true?

Experts agree it's okay to have different feelings for different children. "It's perfectly natural for good parents to have favorite children," says Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, a clinical psychologist. "A parent can love their children equally, while favoring one over the others."

PARENTS ARE PEOPLE

C.T. O'Donnell II, president of KidsPeace, agrees. "Parents are people," says O'Donnell. "People respond differently to behaviors, aptitudes and physical characteristics. It's human to be more engaged with those who share your similarities." Compatible interests make it easy to participate in activities together. Tammy, 48, has the strongest bond with her youngest daughter because that daughter recently became a mom. "We get to share being a mom," she says. "That's probably when we have the most fun together." When examined in this light, it's easy to see where favoritism has less to do with the child and more to do with compatibility.

LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR

Parents may find themselves gravitating toward a child who resembles someone. Although, parents are often hardest on the children who are most like them. "Sometimes parents will see a trait they dislike about themselves in their child and will project negative feelings," says Dr. Gail Gross, a family and child development expert.

FILLING A VOID

A parent may be drawn to a child because he or she brings out good qualities in the parent. Take Beth, 49, a mother of one girl and two boys, for example. "My boys' relaxed attitude is sometimes a relief," says Beth. "But it's the drive and determination of my daughter that keeps me on my toes and encourages me to better myself."

BLAME IT ON MOM

It appears even favoritism can be rooted in the family tree. Dr. Jo Anne White believes parents who develop strong bonds with one child may be influenced by their own childhood. Parents whose own parents had a 'favorite' child may find themselves displaying favoritism as adults, she says.

TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING

If the discovery that you have a favorite child throws you for a loop, relax. Your feelings may lessen, or even change entirely, with time. Dr. Virginia Shiller, a licensed clinical psychologist, says parents should look to the future. "A shy child who shines at far fewer activities may remain closer to her parents in the future."

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF

Experts agree that favoritism is best kept under wraps. "Parents need to be very conscious of how they treat each child," says Egan. "If a parent displays favoritism, it's hurtful and potentially destructive."

A WASTE OF EMOTIONAL ENERGY

Feeling bad about thoughts of favoritism does no one in the family good. "If a parent is treating each of their children the same, but is feeling guilty about their private feelings, that is a waste of emotional energy," says Rachel Egan, a family and child development expert.

WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?

"The short answer is: Don't feel guilty. Instead, learn to celebrate differences and similarities," says O'Donnell. Egan summarizes it best. "As a parent, it's all about knowing yourself, knowing your child, and making conscious choices - thought by thought, word by word, action by action."