Mastering Marriage with The 6-Part Conversation

Ask The Marriage Coach

by Susan Allan

How peaceful is your home and marriage? Do you long for silence and peace or for more fun and intimacy? Do you or your spouse feel hopeless that cooperation or collaboration could ever be possible because of the "hurricane" of drama and bickering that is your home's microclimate? Once you master The 6 Part Conversation you can begin to resolve any difficult or tense situation that you encounter. Many potentially violent encounters have been found to turn around rapidly and peacefully when this conversational style is used. The most important breakdown in any conversation occurs when challenging conversations begin with your own self-expression before you have clamed yourself down before speaking.

The 6 Part Conversation allows you to calm yourself down before speaking using Part I, Self-empathy. During Part II, Empathy, you connect compassionately with the other person's feelings and needs. In Part III, Self-expression, you speak feelings and needs words, rather than judging and blaming. During Part IV, Reflection, you ask what the other person heard. In Part V, Clarification, you add anything that the listener has not been able to hear accurately, and in Part VI, Solution, you request and offer to create the resolution that works for both of you. When you practice this communication tool, you discover How to Avoid Divorce.

Dear Susan,

My husband is generally a calm guy until we have to pay our bills. Then no matter how big or small the bill, he becomes defensive, angry, and a real pain. I'm tired of fighting with him about grocery money, the kid's clothing, and our water bill. What can I do?

Sincerely, Linda, Sherman Oaks, CA

Dear Linda,

I can imagine how you dread this "time of the month" and that before sitting down to pay the bills you probably feel as stressed as he does. In families where bill paying is excruciating, a misunderstanding about priorities is often the cause. When you and your husband discuss your needs and goals and resolve any differences in priorities, then discussing money becomes easier as he may have a greater need for financial security and you for comfort. When you learn to calm yourself down before discussing bills and begin the conversation with empathy for his fears and concerns, you will notice that each month the process of paying bills becomes more peaceful.

Sincerely yours,

Susan

Named by Fox News and others as America's leading Marriage and Divorce Coach, Susan Allan, a certified mediator and creator of Marital Mediation©, is the author of Divorce, the Marry-Go-Round, or How to Save your Money, Your Sanity and Your Life and 101 Divorce Secrets, A Survival Guide. For answers to your questions and for a one-hour free, private telephone coaching session, contact susanallan@familymagazinegroup.com. Remember, with "With Marital Mediation© you generate affection and learn How to Avoid Divorce©."