Nurturing the Mother-Daughter Bond

by Vickie Oddino

If asked, Moms instinctively understand the importance of spending time with their daughters. But we do not always put that knowledge to practice.

When our daughters are young, we can't help but spend time with them, time changing diapers, getting sippy cups of milk, teaching them to ride without training wheels, or showing them how to finish a puzzle. Yet as they get older and less dependent on us for simple day-to-day tasks, we often forget to make the effort to spend time together. And as they start to branch out into the world, making their own friends outside of our carefully structured and supremely supervised play-dates, we begin to branch out also, finding time to nurture our own friendships and interests. But even if they no longer need us to put a band-aid on a scraped knee, our daughters still need to spend time with us.

A daughter who rarely spends time with her mother will find it difficult to even approach her mother. However, if Moms and their girls spend time together regularly and talk during these times, even about mundane subjects, then a discussion at a crucial crossroads will not be as awkward or so out of the ordinary. Your daughter will feel more comfortable broaching the more troublesome topics or seeking Mom when she is confused, scared, or in trouble. And only a Mom who is tuned into her daughter on a regular basis can recognize an oh-so-subtle plea to discuss something significant. A sensitive Mom can steer the conversation in a non-threatening manner to the topic her daughter so obviously wants to discuss.

As girls enter their preteen and teenage years, they are sometimes more resistant to mother-daughter time. But Moms cannot let their daughters simply dismiss them. They must stay firm and spend, for the sake of their relationship, that important time with their daughters. We do need to listen to our girls, however, and follow their lead regarding their interests. We certainly can impose our view of what this quality time might entail, but this desire to control these girls, who are struggling to separate from their mothers, often backfires and causes resentment. Instead, Moms should listen to what their daughters want to do when making plans.

Her are a few suggestions on things to try first: Take a walk or a hike Cook See a movie (although make sure to spend some time discussing the movie) Learn something new together Go to lunch Read the same book (again, make sure a discussion follows) Play catch, kick around a soccer ball, or bump a volleyball back and forth Go shopping together Get a manicure Take a trip, go on a retreat, or attend a mother/daughter event Whatever you both decide, the key is to find something you both can enjoy and that also provides ample opportunity for conversation.