Parents Who Work Split Shifts

How to Make Different Schedules Work While Raising Kids.

by Tamara Subotnick Winer

My husband and I are part of a growing trend of couples that work split shifts and raise their children as married but single parents. Research indicates that two-thirds of all married couples are dual earners, and nearly half are working different shifts.

With my husband on night shift, the workday doesn't end when I get home. Instead, I make dinner, do the dishes, give my son a bath, make our lunches, feed the cat, do a load of laundry and put away toys. I long to relax on the couch with my spouse after our son is asleep watching our favorite TV show. I'd love to have time to talk about our accomplishments for the day, the cute thing our child did or the latest news. Unfortunately, our work schedules do not allow it.

Working split shifts is taxing on a relationship. Opposite schedules mean less time together for spouses and less time as a family, which could lead to lack of communication and increased conflict. Raising children becomes a solo activity, leaving parents feeling chronically fatigued. According to a recent study, the divorce rate for couples with children is six times greater when one of the spouses works a night shift.

There is a bright side: Although research points out the negative effects of working split shifts, there also are many pluses. Split shifts challenge couples to work harder at their relationships, making them stronger. They also create special bonds between parents and their children as they develop individual relationships. Children also typically have less time with baby sitters and more time with parents. There is also a financial incentive, as night shifts typically pay more than day shifts, and less money is being spent on childcare.

There are ways to cope with the difficult hours. With hard work, dedication to family, and flexible expectations, some of the negatives can be changed for the better. The following suggestions addressing the issues I've raised here will hopefully benefit any couple living the "split-shift" life.

Fighting Fatigue

Finding time to rest is difficult, so you need to be creative about it. Tips:

1. Take care of physical health. Before I pick up my son from preschool, I exercise. It gives me alone time and an energy boost.

2. Prioritize time. I make lists, usually two. One is a daily "To Do" of only the things I absolutely have to do (like take my son to music lessons or grocery shopping). Normally, it contains no more than five items. I also have a weekly list, containing things I should do but don't need to.

3. Cut down on extracurricular activities. 4. Minimize travel time to and from work by changing hours or jobs. If this isn't possible, make the travel time productive (listen to an audio book, sing along to a favorite CD, dictate letters on a portable tape recorder, or enjoy the solitude.)

Combating Conflict

Here, communication and flexibility are key. Tips:

1. Talk about your conflicts. A lot of good can come out of an argument if both are willing to keep an open mind and listen to each other.

2. Share family responsibilities. I'm a fan of lists. Whatever the method, find ways to divide tasks to minimize resentments and clarify responsibilities.

3. Nurture each other. In the process of raising children, it's easy to forget why you're married. My husband gives me foot rubs and I make him special dinners.

4. Redefine expectations. Comparing oneself to others leads to disappointment. These days, there is no such thing as the "traditional" family.

5. Put things into perspective. Remember the reasons for working split shifts and focus on the positive attributes.

Finding Family Time

Setting priorities and redefining family time is vital for parents working split shifts.Tips:

1. Create short cuts. Run errands during lunch break and shop in stores where everything is available in one location.

2. If possible, adjust work hours. Reducing works hours, finding more flexible work hours, or working from home can help.

3. Make chores a family time. Younger children like to help mom around the house. As they get a little older, teach them how to cook or fix things. This not only creates family time but also helps them learn independence.

Finding Time Alone

Adults need time alone without kids. Make it a priority. Tips:

1. Get up earlier in the morning. I try to get up an hour earlier than my son (around 5 a.m.) to write. When my son awakes, I feel fulfilled and ready to give him the attention he needs and deserves.

2. Pick up your children later from child-care. It's important to take time after work, even if it is only 15 minutes.

3. Get rid of babysitter guilt. I am learning the importance of time alone as a couple by letting go. An evening out is good for everybody.

4. Get together with friends who have children. It's almost like alone time because the kids entertain each other.

Currently, statistics are not favorable for married parents who work split shifts. But statistics change and there are many success stories. My husband and I have been married seven years. With hard work, creative problem solving and realistic expectations, the best can come from a difficult situation.

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