Setting Boundaries For Teenagers

Being an Effective Mom Means You Can't Worry About Being "Cool"

by Dawn Barnes

Hormones are raging! My fourteen year old daughter and I are driving in the car to one of her many events for which I am the chauffeur. I don't mind, because I figure it's the one time where I can trap her into listening to my words of wisdom, right? "Isn't it a beautiful evening, honey?" My question wasn't enough to get her to look up from her cell phone. My husband always says that technology is the end of civilization. I argue back about how much work I get done on my phone and my computer. But, as I look over at Haley, maybe he's right. "Hold on Mom," she answers.

"What should I hold on to?" I ask. "Huh?" she asks, with a side glance. "So, how are you feeling today?" "Why do you always have to ask me how I'm feeling?" She looks back down at her phone. A text message is coming in, red alert! "I'm just asking because I care." "Uh, huh," she says, as her fingers move furiously across the keys. I turn on the radio and find a nice tune I can sing to; a good old Fleetwood Mac song is playing, all right! Just as I'm hitting one of those great Stevie Nicks notes, Haley's pretty-in-pink fingernail lifts from her key board and changes the station.

"Hey?" I protest. "Oh mom, come on." Rap music invades my space. She looks out the window. "Just drop me off here!" she bursts. "What do you mean? Here, where? I thought you were going to April's house?" "No, everyone's meeting here and walking over to the Commons. Don't worry I'll call you later to pick me up." "Just the taxi service, huh?" "Pull over!" she says, rolling down her window. "EEE! April!" she screeches, like some wild banshee and jumps out of the car to give her girlfriend a big hug. More girls circle round, and nearby, I notice a pack of wolves, I mean, boys, watching them.

"Haley," I call, "I will pick you up right here at 8pm." She steps to the car window. "Mom, all the kids are hanging out until 10pm. What are you talking about? It's Friday night!" She looks at me as if I came from another planet. I check the time. "It's only 7pm now. What are you all going to do for 3 hours?" I glance back at the pack. "We're going to see a movie and hang out. Everyone does it, Mom. Okay, bye. MMUA!" she blows me a kiss. Now, all her friends wave to me, "Bye mom!" They yell with happy painted faces, tee shirts cut too low, and skirts cut way too high. I suddenly feel old and conservative. I always thought I was the "hip" mom. Right now I feel as if I want to grab my little girl and move to Kansas. Unfortunately, I know they have cell phones, internet, and MTV there too. Haley turns her back to me and they're off, chattering and giggling, with little pink accessories in tote.

Not wanting to let her have the last word, because, after all, I'm the Mom, I say, "Bye honey, have a nice time!" Her friends smile and wave.

I drive off and try to ward off my separation anxiety. Freedom with boundaries is a tricky dance. I get tired of feeling like the "bad guy," always setting the rules. But, tonight, I've loosened the reigns just enough to look and feel like a cool Mom again. Where is my Stevie Nicks CD?