Simple Steps to a Well-Mannered Child

by Dr. Agodi Alagbe

Being polite and respectful helps build and maintain healthy relationships, and helps us all to live harmoniously in a civilized society. Everybody likes to be accepted by others and we all prefer the company of nice people. Parents and adult caregivers have an important duty to teach children the social graces that help them get along with others and develop into good human beings. Many children know 'the magic words' (please, thank you, excuse me, etc.) which they generally spout off on cue by an adult. While it is important to use these verbal expressions of good manners, it is more important for your child to gain an understanding of the value of being polite and respectful of others so that those 'magic words' are said with sincerity and thoughtfulness and (eventually) without the prompting of an adult. It is always so refreshing and delightful to get a spontaneous 'hello', or 'thank you' or 'bless you' from a kid because, oftentimes, it seems like they just do not know what to say when interacting with people. Wouldn't we all like our kids to be polite and kind and well mannered? Here are some tips on how to teach those good habits.

Be A Good (And Consistent) Role Model Our actions teach our children far more than any instruction we can give them. Therefore, be a consistent model of the behavior you expect. When kids observe us being polite and kind, they pick up the knack of social behavior. The way we relate to friends, relatives, acquaintances, the local grocer, the waiter in the restaurant, etc. will greatly impact how our kids relate with the same kinds of people.

Discuss/ Reason With Children Talk to children about why it is important to be polite. Discuss how people feel when they give/receive kindness. It is never too early to teach empathy and how our behavior affects others. Help children see things from the other's point of view. Asking questions like "how would you feel if…" helps children understand the golden rule of treating others as they want to be treated. When you observe someone else being polite, point it out to your kids, e.g. 'wasn't that nice of her to say/do…?'

Recognize And Reward Good Behavior Too often, we give more negative attention than positive reinforcement, so kids learn that doing something wrong gets more of our attention than good behavior. Endeavor to make a bigger deal of praising good behavior than criticizing bad behavior.

Use Role-Playing Role-playing is an effective (and fun) way of teaching children the language and mannerisms we want them to learn. You can play them while they play the other person. My son gets a kick when I imitate him being too shy to say hello to people during role-play. You can use this to teach making eye contact, shaking hands properly, and good body language.

Prepare Children For Success It is effective to prep children in advance of a situation so that they are reminded of how to act in a given setting. I remember once, when my son was four, he was invited to a friend's birthday. Upon getting there, he refused to say hi to anyone and would not join the other kids to play. Despite all efforts on the hosts' part to coax him into joining the kids (and my pleas and threats), he remained glued to me the entire party. After that incident, I learned that, prior to every party (and other occasions as well), we needed to discuss what to expect (e.g. a crowd of people, many of whom are friends and some strangers) and how to behave appropriately in each setting. I also always offered him the option of not going and we agreed that going meant an agreement to behave appropriately. These 'pre-talks' helped us talk about his shyness when confronted with a crowd and how to deal with it.

Be Patient Give children time to grow and learn, and remember that even the most gracious of us may have a bad day when we are just not in the mood to be chirpy. Also, do not embarrass the child. As much as possible, correct him/her in private.

If you'd like to share your own stories with Dr. Alagbe, please email her at agodialagbe@familymagazinegroup.com.