When Teenagers Talk Back

Tips for Handling Those Tough "talking back" Teenage Years

by Barry Vigon

So one day you've invited in a neighbor over, and, moments later, your 14-year-old son goes storming through the house because he can't find his U2 T-shirt that he intended to wear to a party that very evening. After you suggest where he might look for it, he unloads on you at decibel levels you didn't think were humanly possible and screams at you, "Leave me alone! It's all your fault!"

Your neighbor, seeing your embarrassment tries to disappear into the woodwork. Congratulations parents, you have just entered "The Teenage Zone". For the next few years, your child will be "talking back" and you will come to the rude awakening that you know NOTHING.

Okay, so teenagers who talk back usually have something in common. They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives. Well, you might ask, "Why do we have to pay the price while they're going through this?" It's just a lucky bonus that goes along with being the parent of a teenager.

So what do we do? Psychologists have learned, that although teenagers may look like grownups, they aren't completely rational. They think differently than we do and often feel that they're invulnerable. As parents, we need to listen to them and, although they may not believe it, we have to help them see that we are on their side. If they say they want to be left alone, back off... but don't give up. You might try a subtle approach like writing a note without blaming them. Say that you'd like to hear back from them. As hard as it may seem, try talking in a lower voice. I found out the hard way, that if you model screaming and shouting, that's what you will get in return. When they are out of control, give them an ultimatum: either talk in a calm voice or this discussion is over. Walk away if necessary. Try and come up with some rules for you and your teenager that you'll both adhere to when the two of you are engaged in combat. A few suggestions might be: don't attack, don't condemn, and figure out what can be done to prevent this fight in the future. Remember that you are the authority in the house. Set limits. As parents, you can't be friends with your children, but you can treat them in a friendly way. If all else fails, there's always earplugs.